lovelazy

i've been getting by. some might say ive been happy.

truth is, i'm disconnected.

im just trying to deal with the despicable worthless mess that i am by getting apathetic.

i am so fat. i ate 2 candy bars today.... and a lot of other things. i hate myself. im gonna starve myself starting right now. until sunday afternoon, when i have to eat bc of church.

i hate myself.

ive been doing the lxatives. i dont know if it's been bad. i dont know if i am being safe. stupid.

im too pathetic i cant handle it. i just pretend.

i have no friends......... no real ones.

i am having a terrible time with this paper. i need to set myself some goals.

I MUST FINISH THIS PAPER IN THE NEXT HOUR.

1.5 more weeks of senior year of college left. then i have finals.

it hasnt really been hitting me. i guess because im gonna be taking one more quarter in the fall.
this quarter went fast.

im having a seriously TERRIBLE week.

i am such a failure.

i just feel so lonely sometimes. honestly ive been doing better and trying as much as i can right now. but i feel so lonely. that... just does not change. im so sick of being alone like this.

i want to stop with my medication so i can be depressed again. i cant explain it, but i see that that is what's on my mind.

i dont know what to do. i feel so, utterly empty. empty. theres no meaning or reason for me to do anything. im apathetic and bored. no passion.

and i dont know what to do, because i am a fat pig with an eating disorder and nothing to show for it.

i shouldnt have procrastinated so much. im sad. im such a fucking moron. i ahd so much time this weekend.

i need to stop nursing the idea that i am starved, and starving myself. if i just change my perspective to, "i've eaten enough, theres no need to eat more" instead of "i starved myself successfully so far, and god i am fearful i'm going to screw it up again!!" then... maybe i'll be able to focus on other things, like this stupid midterm i need to study for....

i'm frustrated. i keep telling myself im not going to let this take over my mind and my life, but i guess i dont really mean it, because it does and i let it.

i ate my leftover salad last night at like 2am. i felt so shitty for doing that. it was probably like 500 calories. fuck.

today i had 2 pieces of lasagna, some salad, and a roll. i'm feeling like crap over that, right now.

i have an english midterm to study for and 3 books i havent read, and stress might make me eat. i hope i dont. such a failure.

i wont eat anymore tonight.

well, i ate nothing until 5pm (i start my mornings at 7) and then i broke down and made 2 cheese sandwhiches. gross. after that i had class, and after that i went to sarah's house for dinner (she had invited us). that dinner consisted of this cheesy chicken dish, salad, rice, and this egg/crab thing.

blah..........

and i have a dinner date with my old friend tomorrow night, so no way to escape that. we havent decided where to go yet. theres is cool salad place downtown. i hope we go there.

speaking of eating out... i am going broke. i can't afford to eat out, but since i don't buy groceries in an effort to starve myself, when i cave in, i just go and eat out (bring it home usually). i feel so bad.

this weekend ought to be terrible again. i have to study for a midterm, but since its just jen and me in town this weekend, i think we're going to end up going out, shopping, eating, stuff like that. bad. baddddddddd. i eat so much on saturdays.

ok. RULE: im only allowed to spend $4 (and not a penny more) on food when we're out on saturday. so that means like a beverage or something very small.

blah. i ahve a psanish test tomorrow. i should study. i have lots on my mind but not the time to sort through it. tomorrow, after my midterm, then.

i told alice today about my OCD. she is my mentor from church. this was a big (ish) step for me..... she was really merciful.... she asked if i ever went to see someone at our school counseling and psychological center and i told her i had, for about 6 months. but i didnt tell her it was mainly for depression, not for OCD.

i think the next step is to tell her about my medication. and the next step maybe to tell her about my eating disordered behavior. i doubt that day will ever come. that day will only come when i have something to show for it.

today i ate: 1 coffee. 1 sponge cake. a sushi roll. a fiber one chewy bar. 1 biscotti. sigh.... it all adds up to be so much. i would estimate at least 700 calories, if not more. i dont know.

i'm kind of worried about my use of laxatives. i dont want to screw up my GI tract. i felt light headed and nauseated today, and i think it was from the laxative.

tomorrow's goal is to stay within 600 calories.

today i had:
1 coffee
1 strawberry yogurt
1 diet pepsi

in total, about 150 calories. super...

i have to go to my housemate's flute recital soon, after which is a refreshments time where there will be lots of fatty finger foods. after that there is an hour gap before i have to go to bible study, and after bible study there will be snacks. so the plan is, im going to eat exactly one thing at the recital, and nothing unhealthy at bible study. (only veggies, if they have veggies).

got it.

and then saturday.... i have to stay out of the house... gosh.... weekends are always when i mess up.

until i'm a college graduate....


i did well with the restricting this week. i think i lost a couple pounds. my goal is to lose 2lbs each week consistently.

i wonder where the line is drawn, and what constitutes laxative abuse. i don't really notice the laxatives doing anything, so even if i'm not using it like it says to, i don't think i'm beyond the bounds of okay and safe. i'm curious if they make a difference though, because if not, i'd rather just not take them.

i can't believe how much better i am doing. in terms of my depression, that is. being relieved of that oppressive sense of gloom makes me look back on the past year and think i was crazy to think it was okay to go on like that.

i still wish i could tell someone.

it's my birthday. my housemates took me out at midnight to this brewery place. it was kinda fun and nice of them to surprise me like that. being the center of attention makes me uncomfortable. anyway, somehow birthdays always make me sad?

what my roommate wrote in my b-day card also made me sad......cause ive been a bad friend to her. i wish i could tell her what was going on with me.

im not looking forward to tomorrow. i hope we dont do the whole cake thing.... or if we do, that there's not too much cake involved. this sounds really bratty but last year i had 3 different cakes, and if that happens again, i really will not eat the cake, even if that's rude.

ive been restricting well, excluding tonight's midnight eating, which i really regret. im going to celebrate my birthday in my own private way by not eating tomorrow until dinner, which i wouldn't be able to escape anyway- we're eating at susanna's place.

sleepy. bye.

my birthday is coming up. i don't know why, but it makes me nervous. first of all, i will be turning 22, a thought that makes me cringe. i don't want to grow up. i think 21 is just right. i dont want to be older than that. i'm not ready for everything that this post-college age range entails. but birthdays in general make me nervous....birthday surprises... i hate receiving attention....... and it's so completely unnatural to have all this focus on you concentrated into a day. hard to respond to the kindness and well-wishing and attention......... i hate being visible like that.

its unbelievable what one tiny pill can do. my relationships with people have improved just in the past month of being on wellbutrin. i feel shallow though. i feel like the real me is gone when i am not depressed. i feel shallow when i am not depressed. obviously it is my own distorted mentality but it's true that this is how i feel.

im falling asleep as i type. goodnight.

i'm having a hard time concentrating. this is so annoying.

i just realized that i have less than 60 days until graduation. i have about 2 months. i'm really serious now, i'm going to lose 4 lbs. by friday. i'm going to make weekly goals counting down to graduation. first step is 4 lbs. :) i can do it.


also, my mom said she's going to come to my graduation. this makes me a little nervous, because my mom is unstable, irrational, unpredictable and unreliable. its complicated, and she is complicated. but my mom has been really depressed for years now, but it's gotten really worse since last summer, so i really don't want to hurt her feelings by insisting she doesn't have to come, even though i really don't know if i'm okay with her coming. so... now i'm nervous, because she's coming, and everyone will meet her. i'm really nervous. i'm hoping my little sister comes, too, so that it's not just the two of us... my mom is really unbearable and unpleasant to be around.

and my friends are judgemental, i dont want them to judge me or my mom.

i should study. i'm such a slacker. =(

i feel bad about not keeping up with livejournal. i apologize, i know how it can be disappointing to write/blog and not receive any feedback. it kinda feels unsatisfying in a way. naturally we want to feel like we are heard when we bother to try. life is kind of busy and i'm not on the computer much in general. and when i am, i dont have much privacy and i want to keep my LJ private (from my housemates). so it's sorta difficult. but i'm going to try to keep up a bit more.

so i gained back what i lost in march. but it's okay, i think i got that out of my system and i am ready to do this again. i have no food at home but apples, yogurt, oatmeal, and cereal bars. GOD can you believe one packet of oatmeal is 500 calories????????????? it's SICK! but i guess it will be okay for 500+ calorie days.

i havent been this neglectful academically in a while. i'm being so stupid and foolish. im going to regret this .....

so tomorrow i have GOT to spend the entire night at the library. i really need to....... god, i am messing up so badly.

i'm going to stay under 800 calories tomorrow. i've been doing so badly that i'm going to have to aim low (meaning, aim at a higher calorie number.) maybe i should try being steady at 800 calories and see if i can go binge-free for a longer time that way.

i'm getting sleepy. but i dont want to sleep. i want to do a few things i didnt have the chance to do. weird.

i feel weird.

i switched anti-depressants 6 weeks ago, and everything has changed since then. i feel confused. because i'm not depressed anymore, and i dont know who this not depressed person is.

and when i was depressed, i starved myself and i killed myself to do well in my classes. (depression brought out my bi-polar extremes-- starving to binging, studying like crazy to giving up). anyway.

and i REALLY cannot believe these little pills make that difference. i really didnt know it would be like this-- i was really skeptical.

when i was depressed, i couldnt bring myself to talk to people or hang out or do anything other than be by myself. so i killed time by doing solitary things like cleaning and reading and writing and studying and etc.

anyway........

so seriously, it's weird not being depressed. i dont know what i am, what i think, how i feel. i hate my body as fiercely as ever, but it's weird to feel that way and not be this pathetic static dead depressive mess.

i honestly dont know how i feel about getting better from depression. i guess one thing i can say for sure is that it's helping me to be normal around people, which is making up for a lot of the anti-social reclusive behavior my friends were starting to resent me for. so at least people are starting to "like" me again. it kinda sucked having ppl hate me, although i felt too numb to care.

but internally i dont know. i sort of feel like im chasing after my depression now that it is leaving me.

it's so strange to me, that this drug can actually make me feel better. it's WEIRD and i can't understand it. i'm such a skeptic, so this baffles me. i guess this is what it feels like to be normal... circumstances the same, but able to cope better, able to live and breath and be okay. this is so foreign. and weird. and hard to get used to, hard to embrace. i dont feel like myself. this is cliched, but i say these words with sincerity: i dont know who i am.

...

so i guess its sort of confusing.

but this pick-me-up magic drug is what i had been looking for, isnt it?

well, i've got to get used to it because i think things in my life will start to heal and recover from all the damage i've caused because of my depression. everything's screwed up, and i need to start to make that u-turn.

we went out to dinner again, and i ate half a burrito. gag..... i'm such a loser- a failure. i gained back what i had lost. i hate that. i'm such a loser for always saying this, a million times over. but, ive got to do this.......... UGH.

i'm going to do 500 calories tomorrow, 800 saturday, 300 sunday, and stay at 500 for the next week. (this is based on what i know i'll have to eat during the weekend. like on saturday we're going out again, sunday we eat at church, etc.)

i'll just do this one week without attempting a fast because i've just been giving up and giving in each time i've tried.

i bought lots of yogurt today. let's do this.

terrible.

im going to 4-day fast......... i swear.....

all the fasts the past 3 weeks have resulted in extended binging.

if i get through day 3 or 4 of fasting, i'll be back in the disciplined frame of mind to restrict.

in other news, my aerobics class is awesome.

i was filmed for something yesterday, and so i watched myself on the screen today. seeing myself on screen like that...... motivated me. im going to be stick thin. that's it... i know i say this all the time... but i SERIOUSLY am not going to fail again and again. no, this time im going in one direction, and that's it.

so fat.

im going on stage tomorrow. in front of hundreds. as this fat and disgusting .

oh, god.

it. everything will change starting tomorrow. i hate how i say this all the time..... i just seriously can't stay like this anymore.

my life feels like a mess right now.